Rants and Plaints, v. 2013
For times when life gets worse than meh, and you have to say so.
Continued from version 2012.4.
Date: June 19, 2013
Wednesday, 4 December 2013
Life, the universe, pies, hot-pink bunnies, world domination, and everything
For times when life gets worse than meh, and you have to say so.
Continued from version 2012.4.
Date: June 19, 2013
I play the classical guitar for the elderly at the rehabilitation center (read: nursing home) around the corner as a volunteer. It makes me feel so sad for them when I go there because it just doesn’t seem like a nice place to live. It’s not that I’ve seen the residents treated poorly, it’s that it doesn’t seem that one could feel at all dignified there. Almost all of them are in wheelchairs and I wonder if they really need it, or if they’re just being plopped down in there so they’re out of the way. The actual environment…. the flooring is of linoleum, and the lights are fluorescent lights on the ceiling, and they have childish decorations. It reminds me of a cross between a children’s daycare and a hospital. It makes me cry sometimes.
I really wish my dad didn’t feel the need to make fun of things I like. Or shut me out of conversations when I was one of the original participants. Or generally be a di–jerk.
I just feel like I’m getting a whole ton of little signals that what I think or what I care about doesn’t matter.
He constantly complains about everyone else in the family and the state of things in our house and it’s never his fault, of course.
All of his…putdowns…I guess you’d call them, have resulted in attempts to outsnark each other with nasty quips that invariably lead to me running off to my bedroom and collapsing in tears and feeling suicidal for a couple hours. I I don’t even feel like I can have a mature reasonable discussion about this without him blaming me. I just don’t trust him enough. It doesn’t feel safe. don’t want to give him any ground in our arguments and let him know he’s getting to me but I feel so absolutely cakey about myself. This is seriously unhealthy
I’m sorry, FantasyFan. I know that sounds bland, but I don’t know what else to say, and I feel like someone should say it. *hugs*
today it was my shirt. He didnt like my shirt. He thought it was too small and it had a skull on it and he didnt liek that [minor snips. --Admin.] and this is a perfect example of why i donttell him anything even though i dont like keeping secrets its because he keeps on trying to lecture me and i am SO PAST that stage.
at least i walked away when he tried to tell me off. no arguments this time
Can you get out somehow? Stay with a friend for a while? Anything.
Apparently, my college dept. is closing over half the summer. The upshot is that instead of spreading out my exams over six months, I’ll have to take at least three clustered together towards the end of september. And now I tried to get a date for my fourth exam and found out I can’t take it in August/end of July like the prof said- I need to take it in two weeks or two months when I’ve already got all my other hard exams. And it’s really hard, and it’s an oral exam, and I need to get all the proofs perfect to raise my grade. So, stressindecisionahrg.
And I came home and told my dad that I might want to retake one of my other exams, one I got a D on. He said I was wasting my time and practically forbade me from taking it. But the exam that I might take in two weeks is also one that I’m repeating because I got a C on it. I think I can pull it off, but I’ll have to either
a) Openly go against my dad or
b) Lie throughly, extensively and creatively the next three months or so; pretend to be relaxing and having fun while studying like crazy every day, alone and without any support.
I’m not sure if I can do option b), not because I’m not a horrible enough person to lie like that (I am, but I don’t care), but because I don’t know if I can fake it long enough. I can’t do option a) either. My mom kicked me out a week ago: if I fight too badly with my dad, I will literally have no place to stay. I don’t think he’d boot me, that’s not his style, but I’m kind of in a bad place right now mentally and I couldn’t handle coming home to …unpleasantness every day.
Most of my friends are going away for the summer too, so I won’t have any support there. I could probably crash at a friends’ place for a few days, but not for the next three months. I would say that I just want a quiet room with a bed and a desk, but I’ve become so horribly clingy lately and I’m really afraid for when my best friends leave this summer and I’ll be alone. I wish I wasn’t so dependent. And I guess I’m sort of confirming what my mother said, that I have no spine, because I’m too afraid to stand up to my dad and tell him that I’m making my own choice regardless of what he sees fit, but I can’t handle losing the rest of my home and family.
I haven’t seen my sister in weeks. I think my mom won’t let her talk to me, and I miss her. I miss my grandmother, I miss my dog, I miss the feeling of having a family behind me. I miss the validation of being able to succeed academically, or at least the fuzzy feeling of knowing I would be able to take whatever’s thrown at me academically. I miss being completely honest with my friends, since I know I’m being a burden and bringing things down; I can’t always take and never give back so I need to pretend to be okay for long enough that I don’t lose them. I miss laughing because something’s really funny and not because I’m nervous and I know I should be laughing. I miss feeling up for a challenge. I miss being able to sleep well- to be able to fall asleep well, to have enough time to sleep long without feeling guilty, to sleep without having nightmares about exams or dying or java. I miss not feeling like my grandmother’s old flower vase- cracked, badly mended and hollow.
I figure that this is what being hit with a freight train feels like.
You are a wonderful fantastic strong person. I believe that you can get through this, and when you feel like you can’t, I hope you can take at least a little strength from my faith in you.
(Plus, I know Java well enough to have gotten a summer job in it, so please please let me know if there’s any part of that you’re struggling with to the point of nightmares.)
Bookgirl, I am so sorry about all the **** that you’ve been going through. I’ve been continuously really impressed by your resilience and your intelligence for a long time, and I believe that you can use those to push yourself through what’s happening. I know online hugs are little comfort, and I wish so badly that I could come there in person and make things better for you. ♥
I think I have been doing them wrong.
And it is painful for me to have to even question some of these things, which makes it worse because I know that you’re not supposed to get attached to beliefs because you never know what you might have to give up, and I thought I did know that, I thought this sort of thing wouldn’t be hard, and up until now it wasn’t, it was fun to try to figure out how I worked, until I started reading other people’s counterarguments and realized I was avoiding my beliefs’ real weak points.
And so I’m ashamed and that makes it worse and I’m afraid that I’m going to have to change a major part of how I think, what am I going to say to people, and the worst part is knowing there is actually nothing to be afraid of, that fear here is really unhealthy.
And all this is really not helping me solve philosophical problems at all.
I think questioning your beliefs and letting go of “wrong” ones is an important part of growing up. It takes a lot of strength of character to admit you were wrong about something you hold dear, and I think that people will-and should- respect you for that.
It bugs me that people online are used to saying “Marry me” as a joke when they see that someone shares their interests and is generally an awesome person when they have no intention of marrying them, but when I say “Let’s be friends!” in the same situation because I actually do want to be online friends with that person since they are so awesome, it’s considered weird and too forward.
That sucks about your friends, but don’t knock the taco. Good food is something to celebrate and cherish and remember.
I don’t know if this is a common thing, but in my experience, if you try to rank all of your activities in terms of enjoyment, eating is going to be pretty high on the list. Not necessarily because you don’t derive much more long-term happiness from doing things with your friends, but because eating is physiologically and emotionally incredibly important and it’s rare that anything at all detracts from your eating experience (this sounds like a commercial, not sure why)- like confusing conversations, slightly hurtful remarks, or brief boredom. Ultimately, though, aren’t your interactions with friends more complex and therefore more rewarding than your interactions with food?
(I could be totally wrong here. Also, is it possible that your friends feel the same way that you do?)
I LOVE YOU AND YOU ARE GREAT; I DON’T KNOW WHAT KIND OF LAME FRIENDS YOU THINK YOU HAVE, BUT I WILL SLOWLY REPLACE THEM WITH COPIES OF ME IF THAT’S WHAT IT TAKES
You are awesome and super-clever and I hope we can kokonvene again soon.
A tree went down on my street and took the power with it at about 3:15 last night. It took me an hour to get back to sleep in complete darkness with no fan. We just got back from our trip to Canada that, for me, lasted almost three weeks.
…I think I’m going to just lock myself in a room somewhere and forget the rest of humanity exists, if that’s OK with you guys.
please don’t leave me alone out here wonderful amazing blogsis
I am just an internet cat, but I know that for every incredible stupid person there are at least five amazing people doing amazing things so please don’t lose hope!
R101 you are the most fantabulous person I have ever had the pleasure of knowing, so you have to pull through, okay? Things may look bleak now, but every day is a new day, right?
*hugs and kittens in teacups*
May I recommend Tristan da Cunha? Marvelous scenery, moderate rainy climate, active but nonthreatening volcano, friendly population of only 300 , electricity but no TV except BBC, oh, and most remote archipelago on Earth, no airport, visited by ships only 9 times a year.
Aw, Random, I’m sorry!
Good things about people:
- they make food
- they sometimes help you understand yourself
- they write beautiful and engaging books and make television shows and so forth
- they usually don’t want to hurt you
- most of the people you know want good things to happen to you (as well they should, because you are fantastic)
There are more, of course, and I wish that this list were of more help. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to spend time away from people! Can I suggest bringing a large amount of tea and popcorn into your room and watching any of the following: weird Bollywood films, happy Tenth Doctor episodes, or the first few episodes of Legend of Korra?
LittleBasementKitten – Thanks, my wonderful blogsister. You always know exactly what to say. (And kittens in teacups pretty much always make me smile.)
KaiYves – That sounds like possibly the most ideal place on Earth.
Choklit Orange – I wish I could have followed your advice to the letter. Unfortunately, a decent portion of the people I wanted to escape were my family members, who have instituted a rule forbidding the presence of computers in any room other than the living room, where they all are.
I’m kind of lonely. This is not a terrible problem, as I usually am fine on my own. Also, I know that it’s completely temporary, since I’m only in Singapore for a few more weeks.
All the same, it’s kind of unpleasant to be bound by the fact that I really didn’t make friends in middle school, and most of the ones I did make have since moved away. Also, I’ve gotten used to substituting podcasts for human companionship, but there’s a point at which you really want to be able to talk back.
So, I’m just kind of roaming the city listening to film review podcasts, and I know this makes me sound ridiculously ungrateful: here I am in a fascinating city with pretty much absolute freedom, and I’m whining about not having friends here- but at the same time, I also feel like I’m starting to slip back into my middle school-era depression and the kind of mental self-abuse that has in the past led to my crying in bubble tea shops at two in the morning.
This is stupid, and like I said, it’s temporary, and I am going to go for a run and see if I can snap out of it. I’m sorry for the petty rant, in the meantime.
Feeling isolated and depressed is not a petty problem. I don’t have a solution, but I hope you find one.
Made friends. Went ice-skating with them. Life is better.
One of my Internet friends attempted suicide last night.
Apparently someone called the police and they were taken to the hospital, so hopefully they’re alright, but I have no way to contact them outside of messages on (of-blog site) and I’m really worried. I also fell asleep about half an hour before they started posting about it, and going back in the morning to see all those words about pills and hopelessness and not being able to do anything about it makes me feel so caking useless and I’m just really scared for them.
*hugs* that’s a really hard situation and I don’t know exactly what is best to do, but a semi-similar though thankfully less drastic thing happened to my boyfriend last spring (while I was out of the country). It’s hard when there’s nothing you can physically do to help the situation, but letting them know you’re there/care about them is good. You may not be able to hear from them for a while if they can’t get onto the Internet, which can make you feel especially useless, but it is in no way your fault/responsibility. If you have any friends in common with them who are in the area and can pass on your well-wishes that is helpful, but in the meantime maybe write them a message on othersite expressing that you care etc and just trust that they will read it when they can, even if they don’t respond right away.
*hugs again* it’s a really hard situation to be in and I dot have many tips on not feeling useless right now(since I rather failed at that at the time),but be caring etc when you get the chance to jnteract again. Let them know that you are willing/open to talk about it whenever they want, but don’t ask direct questions about the experience since they might be uncomfortable answering certain things. I’m sure you know most of this already, but keep in mind that there’s not a ton you can do right now and that is okay.
Thank you for the advice, that helps a lot.
I got an update today, apparently they’re going to be alright.
Glad to hear things seem to be improving on her end.
Another thing that is good to keep in mind–they may not really want to talk about it right now, and may not be online as much. Showing support is good, but there’s probably a lot of people in this person’s life coming to them all at once, which can be very overwhelming. So while sending a nice message to show you’re there can be a good thing, I’m sure you know not to go overboard with it. They might take a break from various internet/social places so they have some breathing room/time to deal with everything that’s happening to them, so don’t be alarmed/push too much if that happens.
My sympathies and thoughts are with you and your friend.
It rankles me when people make up stories about fake scary things in Pokemon games. I don’t mean verifiable things like the parts of the games or anime that are actually supposed to be scary or things like realizing Team Rocket were terrorists when you’re older, I mean things like “listening to the Lavender Town music will make you commit suicide” or “if you do x, y, and z in the game, a demonic face will appear”.
I don’t like hearing people suggest that something that was such a happy part of my childhood was supernaturally evil.
I hate summer math packets. I understand their importance, but I hate them.
I Hate Fake Documentaries Without Proper Disclaimers II: The Sequel–
No, there is no evidence that the megalodon isn’t extinct, every tooth that’s been found is fossilized. No, it is not at all comparable to the giant squid, those were known beyond any doubt to be real and not mythical from washed-up bodies, observations of dying individuals, and sucker marks on sperm whales long before the publicized 2004 announcement that *a live adult had been filmed in its natural habitat*. That’s all that was. We knew they existed, we just hadn’t seen them alive.
I am going to write a long, detailed post about the concept of “authenticity” in 20th-and-21st-century sea monster lore, but not before I finish the article and scholarship application I have to work on at the moment.
Matt Kaplan kind of did it for me in “Vampire’s Bite and Medusa’s Gaze: The Science of Monsters”, cursory though that book may be.
Got my food allergy screening back. No gluten, dairy, soy, potatoes or eggs (among other things) for the next four months. It’s just that I kind of live on bread and noodles and butter/milk/yoghurt/ice cream and gluten and eggs are in pretty much everything I eat *headwall*
I can’t even have milk (or soy milk) in my coffee in the morning…
There’s nowhere around here to listen to good jazz. There’s a fair amount of average-to-mediocre blues, but all the jazz that gets played around here contains “fusion” in its self-description: a bad sign. I wonder where the nearest place to hear hard bop is. Chicago? Kansas City, maybe. *sigh*
Brainstem glioma is a really scary term when applied to someone you love.
I’m seeing one of my best friends today for the last time before she leaves for college on Friday.
I’m not ready for this. I know logically that I’m gonna see her and talk to her again and this isn’t the end of the world but I’m gonna miss her so much.
Today when we went to the store to finally get my stupid phone stuff worked out the place’s system was down so they couldn’t make any transactions. UGH SO FRUSTRATING. So now we have to go back tomorrow. And when we were there the guy kept not listening to what I was saying about what I wanted to do, and instead trying to convince me that I should just get an upgraded phone on the plan I have right now (which is stupid and overpriced, and Sprint is terrible, don’t get them as a carrier), and kind of getting in my personal space and FOLLOWING ME when I’d take a step back and even though he wasn’t scary aggressive or anything it was just annoying and uncomfortable enough to be thoroughly unpleasant.
And I’m glad to be getting my computer fixed, but I had to leave it at the store since they’ve got a four-day backlog of work. I hate leaving my computer with people, because it’s like a combination of a body part and my house with all my stuff in it. Left to strangers. I DISLIKE THAT. I know it’s totally irrational and silly because they don’t care at all about me, or know me at all, but I still don’t want all of my computer-self to be available to others. That’s intimate, yo. I barely even let my closest friends or people I’m dating touch that stuff.
The Fern Needs A Phone saga gets longer and more frustrating!
Apparently the company I wanted to switch to (which has the best deal) doesn’t have roaming. At all. And their coverage map has a nice blank spot where my campus is. So obviously that’s not going to work out, so I had to research ALL OVER AGAIN. So then I found two providers who claim to have coverage on my campus, and at my house. Awesome. So I start making phone calls and find out that one of those APPARENTLY DOESN’T EXIST IN MY TOWN. Despite the fact that the company lists several stores in town and claims to have excellent service (according to the coverage map), the stores that I called all said they didn’t carry any of the products and that the service doesn’t work anywhere in this area. Fabulous. So now I don’t know if I can trust that it’ll work on campus, either, and that service has a ridiculous roaming charge, and the other service that claims to work on campus doesn’t even say what their roaming charge is. On their website when you’re trying to find the information it says “to read about this check this page” and has a link TO THE PAGE YOU ARE ALREADY ON. It is an infinite loop of unhelpfulness.
So that’s all fun.
I hate everything to exist, but most especially cell phone companies. Because they’re all scams. All of them.
I leave on Monday. it can’t possibly come fast enough. I just want to get out of this place.
Also, what do you do when you think your little sister might be cutting?
I can’t speak for your sister, but I would have wanted someone I trusted/looked up to to a) tell me how to solve all my problems, b) fix my life, c) magically be a really good therapist, or d) promise me that everything was going to be okay. d) seems like a good place to start.
If you’re looking for ways to bring it up/talk to her about it: as far as I know, there isn’t really a good way to either discuss someone’s cutting themselves or tell someone that you have been doing so until long after the fact. She may be really worried about your reaction, and about you telling your parents. (This isn’t at all helpful, sorry.) I, personally, would have wanted to know that I wasn’t alone in feeling screwed-up, and that people whom I respected also occasionally couldn’t deal with their feelings. Though I have no idea what your sister is going through, I suspect that this is true for others.
Nothing like having an online quiz you need to take by midnight tonight, only to try to log in to the website and getting a “can’t find the server” message. yay. It’s not like I’m already behind in all my classes with studying, let’s not be able to take our first quiz of the year. Grrrrr.
Website back online, quiz taken. Crisis averted. :biggrin:
Can I get a do-over on this birthday?
It started off fine. But… Then I discovered that a major, major issue which I thought had been resolved wasn’t. And I’ve basically spent the entire rest of the day crying, minus time for a violin lesson.
It’s better now. Issue has been postponed pending more information, and I got to eat good food and go to a choir thing, so I’m fairly content.
I’m sorry, Errata.
My boyfriend is offline today and tomorrow because they’re doing some kind of experimental chemo. It’s making me realize that it’s going to be really hard to adjust if/when he dies.
so many hugs. keeping you/him in my thoughts.
*hugs* I hope everything goes well.
*hugs hugs hugs* Keeping the both of you in my thoughts. Hope all goes well with this experimental treatment.
Exactly what he said. *hugs*
I hope it goes as well as chemo possibly can. And you never know, it just might!
*hug hug hug* All possible luck to him, and I’m thinking of both of you.
I failed my road test for going too slow. At least I managed to pull away from the curb okay this time. Maybe next time I’ll actually get to parallel park.
My dad got irrationally mad at me the other day for a fairly trivial reason, and I burst into tears and found myself unable to stop for a good hour at least.
I spent most of that hour talking to one of my friends, who told me she’d been noticing a pattern: he would get really mad at me and start yelling or get a really accusatory tone over something irrelevant (a disagreement or me failing to do something, usually), my mom would apologize but otherwise not do a whole lot of much, I would start crying and hate that I was crying but not be able to stop, and all the while would be thinking that he was right and at least part of it was my fault. A while ago she referred to this behavior of his as “emotional abuse”, and when this most recent thing happened, she repeated that statement.
So I finally got the courage yesterday to talk to my mom about this.
She said that emotional abuse was exactly what it was.
And there’s effectively nothing that can be done about it, because his personality is apparently set in stone and he’s not gonna change. He used to pull the same stuff on her.
So hopefully I’m going to a therapist soon to learn how to deal with him.
I haven’t hurt myself since early in April. So I guess that’s something? Maybe knowing for real that this isn’t my fault will make me stop blaming myself for everything.
It never was your fault. If that’s how your dad treats you and your mother, I feel like he doesn’t deserve a child as amazing as you.
Even though his personality is “set in stone”, what he’s doing to you is still not acceptable and definitely not your fault. Talk to your therapist: i wish you the best.
I’m sorry to hear that, my Dad has a bit of a hair-trigger temper, too.
Small update: the situation hasn’t changed at all, but I’m seeing a therapist Thursday after next. Wish me luck?
Good luck! None of this, none of it at all, is your fault, and I hope the situation can be alleviated somewhat? I am very sorry to hear of your dad’s behavior, at any rate. *huggle and lucky chocolate*
I’m sorry, man.
Stuff like that is pretty stressful. Good on you for leaving a note though, my friend got their back bumper completely destroyed in a parking lot the perpetrator didn’t bother sticking around, so she had to pay for repairs out of pocket.
It happens. Hopefully they’ll be understanding about it.
This isn’t a rant, exactly. More of a lament.
Once upon a time, there was a group, and it was lots of fun and I fit right in and it was all perfect. I saw everybody regularly and loved every minute of it. This went on for years. Things changed, of course, but I still fit in and I still loved it and I still had friends.
Then one day it changed too much and I was left without a place. I left the group, and struggled to find new friends.
I heard, recently, that it had changed again, and so I went back, hoping. And indeed, it had changed, but not enough and all my old friends were still gone and what was there didn’t replace them and I still didn’t have a place.
I should have expected that, but I was still surprised. And now here I sit, with no friends and no place and no social skills, exactly where I’ve been for a while.
At least now I see it more clearly.
Perhaps “no social skills” is a little hard on yourself? Transitions suck, I know, but it’s perfectly normal to drift apart and it’s okay to feel somewhat adrift in the wake of loosing friendships like that. I’m sorry you’re going through this, but please don’t blame it on yourself. New friends will come with time and until then, you’ve always got us
Yeah, I was probably being melodramatic there. I’m pretty awkward socially, but not totally inept, I suppose. And I do have a couple people who are friends, or at least are becoming friends. They’re just thin enough on the ground and iffy enough that it’s easy to justify the idea that they don’t exist, when I’m feeling down.
(I do have you guys, you guys are great, but I’m bad enough at establishing my personality online that I don’t think anybody here really knows me, exactly? I could be wrong here. In any case, I don’t let that distract me from drawing comfort from this place. )
I suppose it depends on how you’d define knowing someone. By spending time with people IRL, you get to know a lot of little things about them- the way their laugh sounds, the little ticks they have, their gait- that form a more complete picture in some ways. I also remember less of the details I learn online. For instance, I’ve forgotten your favorite flavor of ice cream if you ever told me, but I remember that of most of my IRL friends because I’ve had to order for everyone at some point.
On the other hand, I have a feeling the the anonymity of the internet lets us be more honest and share our true feelings with (less) fear of rejection. I often moderate, omit or downplay things in person because I don’t want to come across too strong. I’ve also posted here for longer than I’ve had most of my current friends.
So I’d say I probably know you (and you know me) more intimately than I would if we’d met in person, but on the other hand I have a less clear picture of you.
I absolutely agree with that in principle. You can learn a person’s hopes and dreams and passions from MuseBlog, and I’ve done that many times. I feel like I know these people. On the other hand, there are people who don’t post very often. I don’t feel like I know these people very well. Not that I don’t value them, not that I would turn my back on them or anything else, but I just don’t know much about them, and so my connection to them is sharply limited.
I feel like I’m one of those people, for most people here. I lurk more than I post, and I’ve only ever posted much on the roleplaying boards. I also don’t have an easily visible overarching passion. which I think helps a lot towards having an established online persona.
I’ve been thinking a fair amount about this, ever since I realized how bad I am at it. Haven’t come up with a solution yet.
Metro Boston, yes, the Isabella Steward Gardner Museum robbery on the cover sells papers, because people expect such a cover to mean the FBI has made progress in their investigation. Doing it just to illustrate a story saying that the FBI hasn’t made any progress since issuing a call for public help in March is a little deceptive.
That moment when you realize the bag of chips you’ve very nearly finished eating was moldy. It wasn’t moldy enough that I would have noticed without really looking, and the only thing I noticed about the taste was that they were strangely slightly sweet. The fact that they were jalapeno flavored didn’t make the green spots that weren’t supposed to be there any easier to notice.
*Guy from an extremely awkward time in my past*, why u have to show up at the library every day now?
More specifically, why do you have to sort of ambiguously ask me out, kinda of like the last time when serious *high school drama* went down. In a bad, I don’t even want to think of it now three years later way. I don’t want this. I’ve never felt remotely attracted to you, we have nothing in common but a few bad memories and I have a humongous exam that I really need to study for.
That’s the whole reason I come to this specific, small reading room tucked in the underbelly of the library- because I want to dump my greasy-haired baggy-clothed blotchy-faced self into a chair and shut the outside world out completely. True, I have come to a strange form of familiarity with zany-hair guy and forbidden sandwich girl since they seem to live there, but I’ll probably never talk to them. I don’t need to talk to anyone since I don’t know anyone, I don’t need to worry about keeping up appearances and I can just shut off my cell phone and be lost to calculus for a day.
It’s not that I have anything against this specific person. I just never want to see him or any of his friends- and anyone else involved in that mess- ever again. Especially not before this specific exam.
Gghgh, I’m sorry. Good luck on your exam! Forbidden Sandwich Girl intrigues me.
You’re not supposed to eat in the reading rooms. Yet somehow, FSG got two sandwiches past an information desk, a computer area and another sort of reading area (where they are clearly banned) even though you’re only allowed to take see-through bags into the library. She was fairly skinny and not wearing a bulky jacket (also verboten) or loose clothes- my best guess is that she either used a jedi mind trick or crawled in on the ceiling.
Because we have Monday off school, all of my teachers gave me a huge amount of homework that I have to finish tonight because I’m busy over the weekend. My grandmother’s here while my mom’s in Singapore for a month, which you’d think would be nice but is actually even more stressful because I’m cooking and cleaning for two people instead of one and she seems annoyed that I’m not spending time logging driving hours for my permit or doing things with her but I’m busy pretty much every hour of every day. Journalism has become hell and I have never been as disgusted by anyone as I am by one of our editors-in-chief- I mean, at the moment I like him even less than I like Rush Limbaugh. I think I’m getting sick and I have to finish a paper and a powerpoint and do pointless paperwork for journalism and read half of The Scarlet Letter and do four pages of calculus and fill out a GAINS application and record a book report in Spanish and make dinner and clean the house and return these library books and my grandmother keeps talking about the “Saturday chores” that I need to do tomorrow but I have no idea what these are because I am doing all the housework and driving is really hard I am just REALLY OVERWHELMED right now but I can’t see it getting any better during this semester.
First of all, *hugs*. Take a deep breath. Don’t stress yourself out by thinking of all the things you need to do collectively. Make a list. Focus on one thing at a time instead of tackling it all at once. Divide up the hours of your day. I know it can be so difficult, but trust me, it will be easier to power through if you’re relatively relaxed – I speak from experience.
Don’t go to the other extreme of slacking off and doing nothing, obviously, but if you can get a little more emotionally detached from all the stress and treat it as just a task that needs to be done, it may help. (Sometimes I really identify with Meursault from L’étranger; I think there’s something wrong with me. But I digress.)
Good luck and I hope you feel better!
Oh man, I feel so much better today. Thank you, Sel! In a less than wise decision, I barreled through pretty much all of the homework last night, but it’s so good to have it done. In the future, though, I will be scheduling these things out more carefully.
I hate it when you have to be excessively polite to the same idiot for an hour, and you finally snap and suddenly you’re the bad guy.
Well, my library guy problem solved itself. I’ve got a cold and have been too sick to concentrate much for the past three days. I’m still not well, but, on the bright side, if I don’t get my voice back before the exam it won’t matter much since I haven’t really studied enough to be able to say much.
Please help me… I think I’m coming down with the disease called Normal…
You’re a MBer- I don’t think there’s ever any risk of that.
In the world I live in now, being obsessive, intelligent, and open-minded isn’t enough on its own to stop you from being normal.
Which is a good thing, but it does mean that I don’t have as much of a resistance to the disease as I used to.
You’re also the humanoid form/avatar of a giant space cephalopod drifting through the woven beyond.
I mean, I suppose everyone’s normal in some places, but those seem exceedingly rare to me.
…I forgot about that.
See, this is exactly what I love about MuseBlog. Being reminded that no matter how ordinary something seems, nothing is ordinary.
Thank you, bookgirl.
I’m with Lizzie here. If you felt you were becoming boring, that would be one thing — but if the standard of “normal” in your area is now more like you, that just means you’re surrounded by people who share your interests and outlooks. This seems to me like an unalloyed positive.
(“Normal” is such a subjective term anyway that I consider it pointless to care if it applies to me.)
…what’s wrong with being normal?
Yikes! I didn’t realize I was contagious! Sorry Lizzie!
Maybe I should be put in quarantine…
but being normal is kind of nice
Yep, definitely quarantine. I wonder if some kind of vaccine can be developed?
I’ll come out of quarantine when I’m sure I have regained the capacity to be interesting, as that is a sure sign I’ve been cured of the disease.
I could try to shoot you with debunnification darts- those always seemed to work.
Does that mean normality is a minor strain of bunnification?
That would make sense…
but why is normality uninteresting?
@)”:! politicians can’t agree on a #£~> thing, made them shut down the &$@/ NASA website and social media accounts, could cause [*,¥ launch delays for MAVEN, and now normal #*%€ people can’t even go to the +%=# Smithsonian…
(No, I didn’t intend any particular swear words to go there, add whatever ones you want if you wish.)
My reading of that was very colorful.
Should we break out the Just For Smashing plates again?
Oh, yes, good idea! They’re in the third drawer down, if you find the one that has the plates with the continents and oceans on them, it’s the one below that. (Those are the Tectonic Plates, and I’d like to keep those intact because I can’t play “Earthquake!” if they don’t fit together.)
*puts on lab goggles and finds wall*
THEY DID WHAT?!?!?!
As soon as I saw this, I rushed over to the NASA site – it’s not that I doubt you, it’s just one of those things I have to see for myself.
Excuse the keyboard smash, but
*hands over plates and goggles*
Thank you for that. *heads over to wall*
SFTDP. Can the Kokonspiracy just take the US now? Please? I know we were going for a subtle approach, but this seems like a golden opportunity.
Warning: this post is going to ramble in a stream-of-thoughts way and be really, really whiny and kinda personal. Don’t read it if you’re not okay with that.
I don’t know why I’m talking about this. I never talk about this, and I don’t ever complain about things here. I usually bother very specific people with my complaints, but I think I’ve saved up enough points over the last five years for this one angsty post.
I have terrible, terrible luck with women.
It’s not that I don’t have the confidence to ask someone out, or the looks or the anything else. I’m not too bad-looking. I’m not too bad-acting. I know about how good I am at things. I have several marketable skills that make people think “Look! A semi-desirable mate!”, and people are attracted to me on a surprisingly regular basis.
That might not sound like much of a problem, and it isn’t. The problem is with my internal systems and with the people that are attracted to me.
My problem is that I find lots of people that I’m interested in, but I always find some specific flaw that I can’t work around that prevents me from taking it past friendship or I just end up feeling completely apathetic and disinterested and I decide that it’s just not worth the effort and I stop caring. When I find someone I like who seems normal and not crazy (there’s a whole chapter on crazy later), I’m usually so bad at picking up any signs that they might be into me that I don’t do anything to advance it and do the apathy thing after a while. Often there’s a problem with distance, or transport, or she’s already dating someone else.
After I dated Justice/JLynn/however you wish to name her (my good friend now refers to her simply as “the Her”), I sort of just figured I could use a hiatus. That was March 2012 or thereabouts, and while that might not seem that long ago, I matured more in the time since then than I had matured the two years before that. That relationship started when I was 13 and ended when I was 15, and now I’m 16. In the scheme of my life it wasn’t that long ago, but for me right now it feels like a different eon. So I took that hiatus and I just didn’t care for a while.
But Justice was terrible. Generally speaking, and for my mental health. I can say this now because the thought of visiting this blog probably hasn’t crossed her mind in a very long time, the same way the blogs she showed me that she went on haven’t crossed my mind until now.
She’s a highly skilled manipulator and comes from a line of highly skilled manipulators. Everything she does, she does for herself, and while that may sound a little extreme, I’ve gotten very in depth with a couple people about her. Everyone I talk to agrees with me on that point, and everyone who knows her even half as well as I know her. She wasn’t good for me at all, and I’m not going to explain it here but I think she actually had some sort of degenerative effect on my sanity. I’m all set now but that horrible relationship at that highly developmental stage was just not good not good not good. No no no. I thought I was happy. I was very, VERY not happy.
Then there was a string of things.
One girl who I danced with briefly took the dancing to mean that I was super duper into her and wanted to date her for a few years or something, and I had to let her down.
That girl’s best friend took an interest in me and they fought over me in really passive-aggressive, roundabout ways, and everything trailed off with the best friend, so I got out of that having only destroyed a friendship.
Another girl seemed aggressively interested in me and then completely left my life. I’ve seen her a few times since then and the only way to describe her behavior is insane. She’s artistically talented but has the sort of personality that leaves everyone in the room wide-eyed and staring at each other when she goes to the bathroom. She talks like she’s smart, but she does incredibly dumb things and leads everyone around in mental circles.
Then I had a terribly unfortunate run-in with a girl who expressed interest. Things were going swimmingly until her mother had to get involved in order to tell me that while she ACTED completely normal and age-appropriate, her slightly noticeable innocence (which I’d figured to be just from having a lack of older, less responsible friends and would fade away with time), she actually had a mental illness that put her somewhere around the developmental age of 11 or 12, and that she was likely to manipulate and go crazy and that I should get out while I could. I did, because I wasn’t even particularly interested in her in the first place and that was not at all where I thought things were going to go.
That’s not all there was to those events, either. There were some other events in there that served to exacerbate each situation that I can’t/won’t go into detail on, but it’s safe to say that they were serious issues and not my fault, making them that much worse to deal with. One of them could have involved legal trouble at one point. I was lucky, though, and it didn’t.
Now, most recently, two 13 year old girls from separate friend groups (I’m involved in homeschool co-ops and am acquainted with large age ranges) have decided to start crushing on me BIG-TIME.
I don’t have a problem with that from a general standpoint – I had crushes on plenty of older girls when I was 13 and I can’t blame them for it. They’re young and getting blasted with the first wave of hormones. It’s not their fault. The problem is, they are trying very, VERY hard to act on those crushes, and I am trying just as hard to avoid that. I have a general rule never to date anyone younger than me (not that I’ve had to exercise it, as you can see from the above description of my love life over the past year), and three years younger violates that. A lot.
I’m considering going to their parents at this point, honestly. I get tens of messages from them on varying social platforms daily, and I’m at the point of blocking them even though I know that will offend them. I don’t want to do that because I’m mildly afraid that at least one of them has depression and may self-harm if a central crushing male destroys her feelings. Their messages are characteristically innocent, and I responded once in a while in a very boring way in order to stop them from incessantly asking if I was there. I’ve done nothing to move the conversations along. Recently, though, they’ve been bordering on not innocent, and once it reached that point I simply completely ceased communication.
At this moment there’s a girl I like. She’s beautiful, she’s one of the few truly excellent artists that I know, she sings, she does yoga, she listens to much of the music I like.
My taste in music isn’t that eclectic, but I do listen to some artists that are actually very obscure that she knows about. She’s essentially everything I’ve ever wanted, which sounds very weird to say considering how actively I tell myself that I need to just settle on someone fast because the perfect person is highly unlikely to actually come along ever. This one’s close, though. Very, very close.
I’m not 100% that she’s single or if she likes me, but I know I like her and she’s unique enough so that I know I actually do like her.
I want to act on it, but I’m worried that yet another thing is going to go terribly wrong and I’m going to end up dead or something this time.
On top of that, I can’t see her in person for at least two more weeks, and I’m getting nervous that someone’s going to snatch her up in the meantime and I’m going to have to go back to being apathetic and waiting for someone to come along that I’m actually interested in.
And on top of all the rest of it, I’ve had some problems with my parents.
I try to minimize friction between us so that I can just live as best as I can until I can move out, especially considering the girl problems that somehow dominate my life and mind (read above, you might have missed it), but there’s only so much I can do. Let’s just say that I got caught in the midst of some slightly illegal activities, and they’re more than a little angry. They’re not even mad about the smoking, they’re mad that I lied to them. They’re mad to an insane degree, and it makes me want to scream. I can understand that. I HATE being lied to. But it’s not as if that’s as far as the lies go. As if they expect me to tell them every facet of my relationships, about every time I’ve kissed someone, about every time my uncle’s slipped me a sip of something, every time I’ve broken a rule or a law. They act like they’re my best friends, they act like I can tell them anything. I love them and I know that they want what’s best for me, but I’m not telling them a lot of things and I never will. They’d probably have heart attacks if they knew the half of it. I wish I could tell them things, but when talking means getting in trouble, it’s not worth it. I have other friends that I can talk to that won’t get me in trouble.
“But Zack,” you say. “don’t DO those things in the first place! If you get in trouble, why do you do them?”
Because they’re fun. Because it’s all I can do here. Don’t ask me, it’s a teenager thing, I think. Regardless of what’s making me do it, it’s not stopping.
So I tell my mother I don’t plan to stop, and she thinks I’ve been doing it to self-medicate. Not quite, mom. Close, but not quite.
She offered to send me to a therapist. I don’t need a THERAPIST to get me to quit smoking, I need my parents to step back and give me a tiny, tiny bit of space. I need them to relax a little bit and realize that I need some room to break rules, and no matter how many months they stop me from getting my learner’s permit I am going to do those things right up until I turn 18, and all they’re doing is making it so that I’ll need to wait an extra six months after I turn 18 in order to be able to drive myself out of here. I need for a girl to be interested in me (a non-crazy one) and to SHOW it so I feel like I’m not making advances on someone who’s going to reject them, because I fear rejection for some reason even though it’s never actually happened to me. I’ve never been rejected and I still fear it. I need a girl so I have someone to talk to, because none of my friends are really doing it, not in THAT way. I need a girl because I’m a straight male teenager.
I’m honestly amazed I was able to just bash all that **** out. Sorry, guys.
I had to say it all sooner or later and I figured I’d dump it here where response is optional instead of venting to one of my poor friends that has actual life problems such as college funds or depression.
I’m gonna need to double post because if this doesn’t get stuck in the spam filter I’ll eat my fedora, which is honestly something I’ve been meaning to do anyway. My friends still make fun of me for that, and the worst part of it was I didn’t realize that there were ANY connotations associated with fedora-wearing. I just saw it one day and thought “maybe I’ll try wearing a hat for a little while”.
So yeah. All I’ve got until I turn 18 is music, and maybe that sounds a little bit fake or something but it’s true. It might be the only thing right now keeping me going, and I wish I was exaggerating. My problems don’t sound that serious, and maybe they aren’t, but they sure are wearing on me somehow. Also my tooth hurts, I have poison ivy on my face and am on Prednisone, and I’m still nearsighted.
I HATE fedora wearing connotations. They’re cool hats that had the bad luck to get associated with sexist guys who complaon about the “friendzone” nonstop…. I love those hats but now… ugh. Good luck with girls. We’re tricky, I will admit that. Guys are tricky too. People, as a general rule, are confusing. The ones that aren’t confusing are frustrating and/or fictional. Still though, fedoras. Have a penchant for cool hats and suddenly you’re a sexist (expletive deleted) It’s just not cool. I’m not really sure what to say about your parents, except that therapy might not be such a bad idea? Regardless of any smoking habits, having a professional who will listen to you and have helpful things to say about dealing with life. Just my advice. It’s your choice.
Well, also, I just look plain bad in a fedora, which is why I only wore one for about a week.
I’m never living down that week, though.
There is nothing wrong with fedoras, Indiana Jones and Zahi Hawass have demonstrated as much.
It sounds to me like this is about escape as much as it is about girls. Am I right? You need someone to confide in, but you also need to just get the cake out of there.
Since I am not only a girl, but an ace, I really can’t comment much on the former. But as for the later, as they say, “been there, done that”. So to speak. Just without any illegal or borderline illegal activities. I’m not going to judge you for those though; I had some friends who did get involved with that kind of stuff.
Your problems might seem small, but I think we all know that a lot of little problems can build up to be just as bad as a few big ones. Eventually, enough is enough. Unfortunately, as someone who’s high school world was confined to the inside of school and the inside of the house I lived in, the only advice I can give you about escape is that you WILL be able to do that eventually. Music might be the only thing you’ve got now, but it won’t be forever.
And I’m pretty sure I’m not the only person here who thinks this: you don’t have to “earn” the right to post on this thread. Go ahead an confide in us, if you feel comfortable doing so.
SFTDP. That was supposed to say “as for the latter” not “as for the later”.
I am going to be completely honest here. If you’re just fishing for compliments, this may be a shock, but I think you need to hear what I have to say.
>I have terrible, terrible luck with women. [etc]
You’re 16. It doesn’t matter if you have terrible luck with girls. Everyone does.
(And don’t think you’re trying to be mature by saying “women” because you’re not.)
>For me right now it feels like a different eon
A year can seem like a long time, and I know that as I’ve aged my perception of time has changed. But I think you are being really overdramatic here. And I’m not going to indulge that kind of thinking – I don’t think it’s helping you any to believe that you’re worthy of pity, or that you’re a special snowflake. You’re not.
>complaints about JLynn
Great. You regret the relationship, looking back on it. No need to insult her in public, amongst her friends and acquaintances. I think this is rude, and again, following the pattern of you thinking you’re more important than other people. And I think you need to stop doing this AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.
>girls are fighting over me
Relationships are hard. Deal with it.
>the only way to describe her behavior is insane.
>she actually had a mental illness that put her somewhere around the developmental age of 11 or 12, and that she was likely to manipulate and go crazy
You’re stigmatizing mental illness here. I don’t think I need to explain why that’s a problem, and given my history on this forum I’m pretty sure I already have explained it somewhere.
You’re also acting as if girls are so *emotional* and *crazy*, and *hard to understand*. And that’s toxic, and needs to stop immediately. Women and girls are people who have brains just the same as boys and men, and it’s socialization which makes them act differently. Socialization can be significant, but what’s much more significant and damaging is people who think thoughts like you’re expressing here, that women are fundamentally irrational, and that because of that we don’t have to think of them as real people with thoughts fears hopes & dreams, and can just write them off as “crazy” and go on thinking we’ve dodged a bullet.
I’m going to venture a little further here and say that this is part of why you’ve been having trouble with women. Not your luck, but your attitude towards them.
>She’s essentially everything I’ve ever wanted, which sounds very weird to say considering how actively I tell myself that I need to just settle on someone fast because the perfect person is highly unlikely to actually come along ever.
1. You don’t need to settle on someone fast, you’re not even in college yet. Even if you decide you want to settle, you have literally years of your life before you have to worry about things like raising a child. You don’t need to be in a relationship to have a fulfilling life, and being in a relationship with someone whom you’re having second thoughts about will probably do much more harm than good.
2. What about what she wants?
>I’m getting nervous that someone’s going to snatch her up in the meantime
Repeat after me: Women are not objects to be snatched up.
>whining about how your parents just don’t understand you and you hate it
While your feelings may be valid, your feelings are not the only thing in the world that matters.
>She offered to send me to a therapist.
What’s wrong with seeing a therapist? Is it wrong to have someone help you sort out your life and your feelings? I think you don’t want to see a therapist because you don’t want to be “crazy”, and I think this is because you think it’ll make you less of a person, because you’re stigmatizing mental illness. I can tell you firsthand, seeing a therapist does not make you less of a person, and I think you should reconsider your biases.
> I need for a girl to be interested in me (a non-crazy one)…
This paragraph is a perfect example of your toxic thinking, which I believe I’ve already covered above. But just in case you missed it, here’s a couple bullet points:
-women are people too, girls are not toys for you to use because you “need” one
-women are not any more likely to be crazy than men, and what you see as bad luck I see as you not respecting women’s autonomy and framing everything egocentrically
I’m not saying this because I enjoy bashing people on the internet. I think you have potential, and I hope you read this and think about it.
I’m not sure how to quantify what I’m thinking and feeling right now.
There’s really no good way to respond to this other than a panicked and hasty “please wait that’s not what I meant give me another chance here”. While every point you made was totally valid and on-point concerning the material (my post) that you were working with, I don’t think it my original post accurately describes my feelings or way of thinking.
It does accurately describe my feelings at the end of a long month, and clearly not in a very tactful or respectful way, and I’d like to apologize to you personally (and to anyone else I offended) because I know you’ve been through a lot and have likely been well acquainted with a lot of other people who have as well, and I’m saddened and frankly very embarrassed that I offered up that much offense in one post. My goal was certainly not to offend and while you made some great points and I can see a lot of room for improvement in myself, there are some places where I’d like to try to defend myself at least a little bit. I won’t feel right with myself if I don’t because that’s not how I want you all to see me and that’s not how I want to be, but most importantly because I feel like I’ve misrepresented myself. A lot.
In regards to the first bit about age:
Fishing for compliments was absolutely the last thing on my mind. I don’t post here all that much any more and I still don’t think any of you really know me well enough to compliment me anyway, and while fishing for compliments might have been something I’d have done a year ago, it’s something that would embarrass me to do now. I’m honestly not sure how my post made you think that, but that is not what I was looking for, I promise. I’d have gone to the Warm Fuzzies thread if I needed them.
>And don’t think you’re trying to be mature by saying “women” because you’re not.
There’s no need to be snarky. I’m not trying to be anything. I say women because it’s a personal preference. You can call me a boy if you want, you can call me a man, it doesn’t matter, it’s your choice. The word “girl” to me has always had the connotation of a young girl and I prefer to differentiate. That’s all. A year ago maybe I would have tried to be mature by saying that the same way I might have tried fishing for compliments, but come on. I understand if you want to point out my obvious sexism, but you seriously don’t have to go after me for stuff like this.
I understand that you saw something you didn’t like and you’re pointing out problems in my personality and thinking, but the truth of the matter is I felt kind of terrible when I posted that and I was hoping I’d get some advice on my current situation, not end up feeling worse about myself. I’m okay with ending up with advice about me as a person, but I’m not okay with being poked and prodded at. I value your advice, but I have to say I’ve noticed a pattern of you being kind of sarcastic about a lot of things, especially while giving advice, and as much as I value your advice it’s hard to want to keep reading when I feel like I’m being insulted. I did, though. I read the whole thing and I’m trying here.
Apologies on the JLynn thing. That was completely my bad and you’re right, it was rude and disrespectful. I can’t argue with that.
She was a fairly key figure in my life for a long time, though, and she had a big hand in how I feel about everything. I should have been more tactful, though.
>Relationships are hard. Deal with it.
Yeah, you don’t say.
The particular phrase you quoted me on, taken out of context, looks like a supremely whiny and self-absorbed statement, and in those words it is.
I was really sad about that situation, though, because I watched two best friends that I barely knew tear a long friendship completely to the ground without realizing why until someone told me after the fact, and I am not okay with being the cause of things like that. Especially not considering that one of the girls had (as it was told to me by her sister) a history of self-harm.
>socialization, luck, and attitude towards women
oh boy oh boy oh boy this is gonna take me a while
a lot of the instances where I said “crazy” and “insane” in my post need to be…something’d. Reworded completely. Those are awful blanket terms for a huge spectrum of things and it wasn’t right of me to generalize like that, and my only excuse was my state of mind when I wrote that post. I almost never talk about things like this to my friends, and I guess I forgot that people don’t know my brain the way I do (which is not very well, but still better than you). It was hastily written and I did a terrible job of describing the situations and my feelings about them.
A much better description of my unfortunate encounters would be that it seems to me as though the only women that express interest in me are highly manipulative.
I don’t really seek out relationships – I’ve never approached someone or asked anyone out. Not ever. I’ve only BEEN approached, and every time that’s happened, without fail, I have noticed or a friend has pointed out manipulation of me or a past significant other of the person in question. My father married his first girlfriend, a very manipulative woman who eventually ended up divorcing him (and then remarrying) and taking the house that he built with his own hands, a situation that caused much of the current not-so-good financial state of my family, which has been a really big cause for stress recently.
I guess the crux of it is that I’m worried that somehow something similar is going to happen to me, because let’s face it, I’m kind of easily manipulated. I know I need to work on it and I’m trying hard, but I’m scared that some turn of terrible luck is going to befall me. It’s an irrational fear, but I apparently inherited a lot of anxiety from my mother.
So at the end of the day, I’m just kind of scared.
I don’t view women as objects or as emotional and hard to understand. I never have and I’m having trouble accepting the fact that I managed to represent myself that way. I think guys are just as emotional as girls, they just tend to do a better job of hiding it because it’s what feels right or they know they’re expected to. Women don’t confuse me in a different way than men – when I’m confused by someone, I don’t blame it on their gender, because that’s just silly. Blaming one person for “being confusing” based on the fact that they are a woman or a man and for no other reason is possibly one of the dumbest things I could imagine doing. I know plenty of confusing guys, but the focus of my post was on women because all of the important and confusing figures in my life recently have been women, not because I am ONLY confused by women.
That’s the most important case I want to make in this post, I think. My mother is possibly one of the biggest influences and parts of my life, and I have always felt more comfortable talking with and confiding in my female friends than with my male friends. My mother mostly taught me how to think, and my father mostly taught me how to live – I have never had the same connection with him I have with my mother. I’ve never been much of a bro. A majority of the intelligent conversations I have (the ones where I come out of it feeling better and as if I’ve learned and taught), whether they be political, social or artistic, happen with women, mainly because most of my male friends usually aren’t interested in talking about stuff like that for whatever reason.
I’m worried that paragraph will be interpreted as the equivalent of “But I’m not racist! One of my friends is black!”, and so I want to say that that’s not what it is. I’m the first to admit that I am biased and have straight white male privilege. I just really want to assure you that the way I think of women is not THAT. I don’t really think of women or men. I just sort of talk to whoever is offering the most stimulating conversation at whatever moment, as as it happens, most of those people tend to be female. I don’t look at women and think “look, it is a walking breathing object that I can stare at and maybe be attracted to” or throw up my hands when I’m rejected yelling “Ugh! WOMEN!”
I know I don’t have to settle on someone fast. I know. Honestly, I’m just kind of lonely (not an uncommon feeling to have at this time in life, I hear), and the concept of being in a relationship is pretty appealing right now. It’s just that I have so much trouble ever finding someone that I genuinely like and think is really worth the likely stress and eventual pain of being involved with that I’m always a little thrilled when it happens, and I get confused and don’t take enough time to think about it.
I don’t know what she wants. I’ll have to wait and see. If she doesn’t want to date me, that’s fine. I’m just planning for the best possible outcome here, because if she decides she doesn’t want to date me, it stops there. If she decides she does, it opens up a whole new timeline that could end up going anywhere, and I always think ahead and overthink things.
>women are not objects to be snatched up
I know, I know! Again, not how it sounds. We’re in a situation where I don’t yet get to see her very often, and I’m having good feelings about her. I don’t know how she feels about me for sure, though, and I’m just having worries that in the time between me seeing her again and feelings being figured out, she’s going to get involved with someone else and then I’ll be sad again. What I said was what I meant, but I don’t see women as objects. I happen to be attracted to this girl, and I’m anxious that it’s going to completely flatline and I’m going to have to go back to not having anyone I like. I’ll accept that if it happens, of course, but it’s not the DESIRABLE outcome.
>whining about how your parents just don’t understand you and you hate it
I always hated people that did that, and here we are. With me doing it.
You’re totally right! My feelings aren’t the only thing that matter. But this is the Rants & Plaints board.
If I come here, I don’t want everyone to jump on me, screaming “BUT WHAT ABOUT THE STARVING CHILDREN IN AFRICA?”. I don’t do that to other people. If someone complained about a sore on their mouth on this thread, I wouldn’t try to make their problem less by comparing it to other people’s much worse problems, because what’s bothering you is what’s bothering you.
I know. I know I have it good. I know, compared to much of the world, my life is bliss. Paradise! But guess what? This is the Rants & Plaints board, and while other people have more pressing, dangerous and sad issues to complain about, I can still vent, and I’d thank you not to jump down my throat for it.
I hope I’ve explained myself at least a little bit, and if you’ve got any other things to say, say ‘em.
I think most things you’ll call me out on after this post really ARE things about myself that I simply need to improve.
You guys are all really wonderful, smart, considerate people, and Dodec’s post wouldn’t have gotten the amount of pies that it did if she hadn’t said something meaningful and important, so I’m going to try to take as much of that to heart as I can. I’m sorry if I offended any of you, and I hope that you won’t hold it against me for too long.
I’m really tired and I’ve written a ten page paper today and I have a 50 min presentation on Wednesday on something else so my brain is fried and I don’t have time to do a complete breakdown of your post, but I just want to point out a few things that I noticed when skimming:
“I understand that you saw something you didn’t like and you’re pointing out problems in my personality and thinking, but the truth of the matter is I felt kind of terrible when I posted that and I was hoping I’d get some advice on my current situation, not end up feeling worse about myself.”
Uh. Pointing out aspects of your thinking that could be causing your relationship problems counts as advice on your current situation, in my book. Sometimes what we need to improve on a situation is self-examination, and that’s generally not a pleasant thing. That doesn’t mean that any suggestions of self examination are a personal attack.
“a lot of the instances where I said “crazy” and “insane” in my post need to be…something’d. Reworded completely. Those are awful blanket terms for a huge spectrum of things and it wasn’t right of me to generalize like that, and my only excuse was my state of mind when I wrote that post. [...]
A much better description of my unfortunate encounters would be that it seems to me as though the only women that express interest in me are highly manipulative”
okay, so everyone who’s interested in you isn’t crazy, they’re just manipulative. It also seems that you’re taking this to mean that if someone is interested in you, they are a manipulative person. Is it possible you’re falling into self-fulfilling prophecies?
“We’re in a situation where I don’t yet get to see her very often, and I’m having good feelings about her. I don’t know how she feels about me for sure, though, and I’m just having worries that in the time between me seeing her again and feelings being figured out, she’s going to get involved with someone else and then I’ll be sad again.”
Have you considered talking to her? Phone, email, etc? It’s possible to talk to people non-face-to-face – I heard there’s even this newfangled thing called the intertubes or something like that where people who have never met can exchange kitty pictures. And if you have conversations with her, even if they’re not in person, you’ll probably get a better idea of what her feelings are – and she’ll probably figure out that you’re interested in her – and that will probably help assuage your anxiety.
(Also, just a quick note about smoking. Please keep in mind that I am saying this as someone who has smoked and who has many close friends who smoke, both tobacco and otherwise. I’ve been there, done that, I don’t really have any strong moral objections to it. But, from your original post it seemed like you’re at least partially doing it as a means of rebelling against your parents or setting yourself apart from other people or something. I’d like to suggest two things: a. it’s not a very effective way to do that – it’s pretty common so it doesn’t really give you any uniqueness or cool points. B, this is going to be split into two parts. B1: tobacco – it’s really awful for your health, there are people I know and love who are my age and can’t walk five minutes without wheezing for breath because they smoke like chimneys, and it is really expensive. Seriously, if you’re smoking cigarettes think really really seriously how you’re going to be able to afford it when you’re living off of your own budget. Also, it’s kind of gross and everyone will think you smell even if they’re too polite to say so. I have never smoked tobacco so I can’t really speak to the quitting process but the sooner you start trying, the sooner you quit.
B2: non-tobacco products, they can be really fun. But they also really affect your brain. I know a lot of people who I thought were fascinating, intelligent people when we first got to school – and then they spent the next few years smoking and became some of the most boring people I know. I have faculty who had a bit too much fun in their youth and who, on their bad days, spend about half of the class time staring out the window at a squirrel unable to control their brain enough to make a coherent thought. Also, as previously with tobacco, $$$.
Just things to think about.)
Haven’t shared any captioned cat photos yet but I’ve been talking to her nightly for a couple weeks over voldynet. I don’t think I explained the situation well enough – yes I am talking to her, and very often, but I don’t see her often, and for me all the important talking and stuff gets done in-person or it doesn’t get done. It feels awkward and rushed over the internet.
As for the smoking, I’m not doing it to rebel. I know people that do it to rebel and I really don’t see the point in it – my parents are great, I didn’t even have much conflict of interest with them until they found out. There wasn’t much to rebel against in the first place, and I’m mostly just interested in minimizing friction until I move out, so no, it’s for other reasons. I’m just cynical enough to not do it for social standing.
Tobacco is pretty gross. I’m not so into that, I know a lot of really heavy smokers. And I’d never want to be boring, so I’ll bear that in mind.
Thank you for the advice (all the layers of it). I appreciate it.
Note: I wrote this last night and didn’t post it until now. If I repeat something someone else has said, don’t feel that we’re deliberately trying to pile on you and make you feel bad.
First of all – thank you for responding, and for making an effort. I know that can be hard, and I really appreciate that you did it anyway.
>I’d like to apologize to you personally (and to anyone else I offended)
Thanks for what you’re trying to say here, but I didn’t write what I did because I was personally offended by you specifically, and I don’t need or want special treatment and apologies because I’ve “been through a lot.” I know you didn’t mean it this way, but that’s how it reads to me, and you should probably think about why it reads that way and what you were actually trying to say.
>I understand if you want to point out my obvious sexism, but you seriously don’t have to go after me for stuff like this.
Insidious sexism is just as bad if not worse than obvious sexism. I do think I misread your tone a little there, though, so sorry for that.
> I’m okay with ending up with advice about me as a person, but I’m not okay with being poked and prodded at.
I’m not sure how you think improving yourself happens, but from my experience – it involves uncomfortable truths, and poking and prodding.
>I read the whole thing and I’m trying here.
Again, thank you for making an effort.
>Especially not considering that one of the girls had (as it was told to me by her sister) a history of self-harm.
I understand that you felt that a forum where nobody knows who you’re talking about was a safe place to mention this, but it’s not really appropriate to disclose personal information about someone’s mental health status unless you have permission. It sticks out especially in this case because you didn’t even hear it from her, you heard it from her sister – how do you know how she feels about sharing this information? In this case, it also feels like you’re mentioning it solely to appeal to me, as if the information I’ve shared in the past about my mental health will somehow make me see your point better. Maybe you didn’t intend it that way, but it’s tactless at best.
>A much better description of my unfortunate encounters would be that it seems to me as though the only women that express interest in me are highly manipulative.
Consider why you think this is true. (Here’s a hint: Is it something about the women, or something about how it seems to you?)
>I don’t view women as objects or as emotional and hard to understand. I never have and I’m having trouble accepting the fact that I managed to represent myself that way.
Maybe if you didn’t keep reducing them to “crazy” and “manipulative” you wouldn’t give that impression. I understand that you don’t think you view women as objects etc. I’m suggesting that what you consciously think and what you actually think may not be the same – it’s implicit bias.
>I’m worried that paragraph will be interpreted as the equivalent of “But I’m not racist! One of my friends is black!”, and so I want to say that that’s not what it is.
That is, unfortunately, how it comes across, and your disclaimer doesn’t magically negate that. I’m telling you this so you can be aware of it, and think about why that is.
>>women are not objects to be snatched up
>Again, not how it sounds.
The words you choose without thinking are the most important ones.
>>whining about how your parents just don’t understand you and you hate it
>If I come here, I don’t want everyone to jump on me, screaming “BUT WHAT ABOUT THE STARVING CHILDREN IN AFRICA?”.
You entirely missed the point of what I was trying to say here. It wasn’t “your feelings don’t matter because other people have worse problems.” It was “try to see this from your parents’ point of view, because you sound pretty self-absorbed right now and some perspective would probably help you.”
>I hope that you won’t hold it against me for too long.
For what it’s worth, I don’t hold any of this against you. Goodness knows, I was guilty of most of this when I was 16 too, as were most other 16 year olds I knew. But I grew out of it, and I couldn’t have done so without role models, so I’m trying to help you along your journey.
I just posted a post that may or may not have gotten stuck in the spam filter, and the only reason it’s important to me that it gets posted at this point is the amount of effort and possibly carpal tunnel damage that went into typing it.
I am just one of those lucky people who always have to get a sore throat before they get a cold
Stuffed up nose, ears plugged, eyes watering, and a throat that feels like it went through a cheese grater.
Sorry. *gives tea*
*gives cough syrup* Hang in there!
Try honey disolved in hot water. It really helps, though you have to keep drinking it fairly frequently.
…At least, it’ll help with your sore throat. Don’t think it’ll be much help with everything else. I hope you get better soon.
Luckily, my sore throat’s gone, it just tingles a little whenever I swallow something.
But the rest of me feels awful! Joy.
I’m sorry you’re still sick! *soup and dumplings* By the way, I completely identify with your cheese grater comparison.
I am usually a pretty moral person, out of guilt if nothing else. Right now, though, the only thing stopping me from beating up Horatio, now one of our editors-in-chief, is the fact that I’d get in huge trouble at school and it’d go on my transcript. That is literally the only barrier. (Well, that and the fact that he’s twice as big as me.) I wouldn’t feel guilty at all. Which is a bit scary.
I don’t know what I’m more disgusted with: his behavior, or my own thoughts.
He is the most manipulative, uncaring, insensitive, egotistic, abusive, and bigoted person I’ve ever known. I think I’m especially disgusted because I was a good friend of his for a year and a half. Now, I don’t understand how that was possible.
Permission to curl up in a ball and cry?
I’m so sorry, Chok. He sounds like a jerk, and not at all enjoyable to be around. *hugs and squids*
Oh, dear. *hugs* Try not to let it get to you too much! Ignore it as best you can? I don’t know how easy that is…but we’re all here if you want to rant.
I don’t know the specifics of what he’s done, but it sounds unfitting for the leader of a student organization. Is it possible you could get him stripped of his position? Vote of no confidence? Appeal to faculty higher-ups?
I can’t think about the future because it makes me panic and cry and I have too much work that I need to be doing now but I can’t focus on my work because I’m worried about the future weajfjsdgfha;a;sgdht4iewuhfbd
This sounds too familiar *sends cookies through the internet*
I started looking at grad schools the other day; I UNDERSTAND HOW YOU FEEL
and of course I hope you feel better ♥
Why does everything happen ALL AT ONCE ALWAYS
I know what it’s like to have that happen. It’s alright to scream, it lets out some of the contained stress. What I do is just go to my own world (If I can) weither it’s in a book, a movie, or just my own little thing i made up, and just escape life. Try it.
By the time I graduate, I (well, my parents) will have paid the College Board about $800. (SAT, PSAT, plus $89 for each AP exam, plus subject tests, and that’s not even counting the fee to send my scores to colleges.)
AP exams can end up paying for themselves if you do well and your college gives you credit for those courses.
I know; it’s more that I object paying all that money to one particular really-not-a-nonprofit company (and high school students in California have to take the SAT to graduate, so we’re actually legally required to give money to the College Board).
That’s okay, you’ll have paid much more than that in college application fees / visits / etc.
Not to mention tuition… even if you love your college, do you love it $7000 to $55,000 a year? (that’s before any housing and food costs)
I’m having a really bad day.
I’ve just been offered an audition at another music college, which is my first choice, which is fantastic. However, it clashes directly with the first day of the 3-day Oxford interview period (December 11th-13th, and you have to be there all three days). The audition is in the morning of the 11th. So…not great. I knew this might happen and I was really hoping it wouldn’t, but there you are. So I have to write to either Oxford, asking to turn up late, or the college, asking for a different day. I just don’t want to jeopardise my application in any way ugh.
Then I’ve got two essays to write tonight which are both already late, I really should have done them over half-term but I couldn’t bring myself to work, and one of them is meant to be my submitted work for uni applications, so it needs to be at least semi-decent.
My politics teacher told me I was going on a downward spiral because of the above essay being late, and because I was two minutes late to a lesson since I was on the phone just outside the classroom with my parents about my audition clash, which frankly is much more important – but I hung up as soon as I saw her walking in, and when I’d gone back in we hadn’t even started the lesson yet.
Oh, and I slipped and fell earlier today (there was a storm so it’s been raining) and got mud all up the side of my trousers and on my jumper sleeve.
The absolute worst thing, on top of all that, is that I did something really, really stupid which has made me look an utter, brainless, needy, desperate, foolish idiot, has probably ruined something I really valued, and in many ways I wish I could take it back. I’m mostly just angry at myself for being so deluded.
Basically my current state of mind is **** everything.
Ask to switch audition days – explain you have a conflict. If it’s anything like the American process, they won’t hold it against you at all and it’s pretty common to have to switch. Some schools may charge a small fee to swap days, though. As long as the faculty you’re interested in studying with is at the audition other days, it won’t matter.
Thanks, that’s helpful. I’ve talked it over with some of my music teachers and they seem to think the college wouldn’t have a huge problem with finding another audition date for you, as long as you let them know enough in advance. After all, I’m probably not the first person to have a clash of some sort.
Just to clarify, I’ve been on hiatus until this weekend due to the usual schoolwork eating my life. Missed you guys, want to catch up.
Then some disturbing things happened with my dad, yesterday they took him to a mental hospital in a town an hour away. I’m relieved that they’re addressing whatever the heck’s wrong- he has had similar episodes in the past, AFAIK never as bad.
And in explaining why I’m not living alone for the nearish future, I have to tell people what happened to my mum, making it more real. Hopefully it won’t bring on ALL THE REGRET, but no good. Hopefully it will help.
I’ve spoken to a nice social worker and I’m going to school tomorrow, texted offline friends, people are being helpful.
Our wireless router isn’t working, I’m typing this in the public library, about to close. Hopefully I’ll get it fixed tomorrow.
I might be staying with someone/having someone stay over. I’ve got enough sanity and money to eat and all, but it’s lonely and a little scary at night.
Try unplugging your router, waiting a few seconds, plugging it in again, waiting a minute or so for it to restart, and then connecting to the internet. Also make sure all the non-power cables are plugged in – wall to modem, modem to router…
I’m sorry that things are not going well for your family, and while I can’t fix that, I’m hopeful that I can at least help with your computer problem, and thus make your life better in some small way.
Keeping you in my thoughts ♥
Oh my, I’m so terribly sorry. I’m thinking of you and I really hope everything works out!
I’m so sorry to hear about this, ML. You and your family are in my thoughts.
I’m sorry, I hope everything ends up okay for your dad.
Re: the “Puppy Doe” case– Being outraged at a man who horribly abused a one-year-old dog so badly it had to be put down is a normal human reaction. Protesting outside the courthouse encouraging the judge to find him guilty is also perfectly understandable. But calling for him to be tortured or sentenced to death without a trial is not okay and a bit hypocritical. The evidence suggests he’s guilty, the law has appropriate punishments if he is, and if the evidence as presented at trial indicates he is indeed the one who abused Puppy Doe, the judge will choose one or several of them, and that will be that. The sentence will most probably not be, in the words of the sign photographed in today’s Metro Boston, “Tear his legs out of their sockets”.
I’m forgetting how to speak Mandarin and it bothers me immensely but I don’t know what to do about it.
If you haven’t been doing so already, you could try to make time to read stuff in Mandarin? It isn’t the same, and you still might forget how to speak it, but it might help.
There are programs online intended to connect to people who are trying to learn each other’s language, so they can help each other practice. You might look into finding one of those.
The thing is, I could easily practise with my mum over Skype or something (she teaches Chinese) but.. I don’t know. We never seem to. I could make more of an effort, it’s true. It’s just very annoying how easily it seems to go when you don’t practise (especially with Chinese).
Just found a couple fleas crawling around. We just got through one flea apocalypse! Not another one so soon! It literally was, an apocalypse, fleas were seriously everywhere! I couldn’t look anywhere around my bed without seeing like, 38 fleas, grouping together!
I’ve been sleeping too much and I’m still exhausted all the time. His phone is broken or something so I can’t talk to him, either. Meh.
I remember you posting something about trouble with sugar or something a bit further back… Could you have food intolerances you don’t know about? (i.e. do you feel more tired and/or markedly less able to concentrate after eating?) Or iron deficiencies? (being even paler than usual, dark circles under your eyes even though you’re sleeping more than enough?). Anyway, *huggles* I hope things get better- he’ll get a new phone at least and that will help.
I was tossing and turning in bed forever last night trying to sleep. I was plenty tired and I didn’t have any particular big important thoughts on my mind, it just took the longest time to actually fall asleep.
Sorry… thank you fir understanding…
are you doing okay? *hugs if you want*
Just built-up frustration.
My insomnia struck again last night and I wasn’t able to sleep at all. Then at about six-thirty I started feeling sick. It was worse in the morning but pretty much OK in the middle of the day, and I’d thought it was digestion problems from overeating yesterday. But I ended up talking to a friend of mine at lunch and she said she’d woken up sick too, so I’m wondering if I’ve caught a stomach bug or something. It got worse again this evening, which is really bad timing because it makes it really hard to work on this five-page essay I need to finish. I took some stomach medicine, and I’m hoping it kicks in completely soon.
This weekend I ended up crying a lot by myself, and last week was pretty rough in general too.
I keep thinking maybe I’m doing better and then it’s never the case.
I think it would be a lot easier to take if the lows were just lows, and not realizations that I don’t actually have anything under any sort of control, even when things seem to be somewhat okay.
So that’s no fun. I should go to the counseling center, but I keep just sleeping and then scrambling to catch up on homework instead and end up not having time to do anything else.
But I don’t actually know what’s wrong, other than everything for no reason.
For me at least, “realizations that I don’t actually have anything under any sort of control” are not fact but instead my low-addled brain trying to convince me of something that isn’t true.
I hope you can take care of yourself, whether that be going to the counseling center or just taking time for yourself to rest.
The bell peppers in my Cobb salad yesterday disagreed vehemently with me and rapidly evacuated. Why does that always happen on Mondays?
I finally figured out my problem with social life. I realize now that I do have friends, I have people who care about me and like me and enjoy my company, no matter how often I feel like I don’t.
I just don’t have any good friends. I don’t have anybody who I hang out with outside of scheduled events, I don’t have any best friend who’s always around to share in inside jokes, I don’t spend any time around people I’ve known for more than two years.
And I thought I could remedy that, I actually managed to invite two of my older, better friends out, and I thought that would be just like old times, but they’re on such different paths than I am, I don’t think we had that much in common, it just wasn’t the same.
I don’t know how to fix this. Someday soon I’ll maybe be able to arrange social events, invite people places, but what does it matter if I have nobody to invite?
Plus I have the sneaking suspicion that I’m kind of annoying to be around, and I don’t know how to fix that, and I just don’t know nearly enough about socializing, or interacting with people non-awkwardly, or just functioning as a human being in a group of other human beings.
And I really, really need to stop looking ahead to the magical solution that will come in the future, if I can only reach this point in life. None of them have helped yet.
I’ve been dealing with a lot of the same stuff. Making friends is hard when you’re out of practice. Perhaps it’s time to move away from your own friend group and branch out: If you’re in high school go to some club meetings and get to know people- there are lots of social groups- unless your school is extremely small, I doubt you’ll have a problem finding more awesome people.
I’m homeschooled, actually. And yes, I’ve been trying to find people to make friends with, going to new groups and rejoining old groups. I just don’t know any of the people I’ve met there very well yet, and they mostly know each other a whole lot better than any of them know me, which just reminds me that I don’t have any old friends.
Which I tried to remedy by actually spending time with said old friends. It went poorly. Leading to that post.
Someone invent an easy way to be perfect at socializing, please?
*Sigh* Social interaction is so hard
I’m really not sure how to invisibly assimilate into any social group undetected without them even noticing. As far as my experience goes, it involves time, lots of time. It takes a lot of time to get to know a lot of people
Here’s my problem,
I want to be someone who is smart, witty, strong, almost at one with the forest, and who knows a lot about everything.
However I cannot be that person because,
I am the weakest person I know. I am so ugly it’s not even funny. I am really really stupid. All my jokes are horrible. I am cooped up inside all the time because I’m busy with homeschool and kitchen. And, I am a girl and girls can’t do shtik.
I just feel so useless I’m surprised I haven’t been put down for just unnecessary space usage. I am so boring. My life needs exitement which will probably never come. Something like, going somewhere, doing something. I’d settle for saving a moth from a spider if it will just give me a feeling of accomplishment. I lack actual friends who will just go out with me. I have never gone anywhere alone without an adult yet. I am not a part of anything, and I’m surprised that the few friends I have left haven’t given up on me yet.
It seems that the only adventures I have are, either I’m not a part of them (Books, movies, etc) or they’re only in my imagination. Escaping reality is probably the only thing that has saved me from breaking down crying every day.
Right now is actually the first time I have cried in months. Please don’t mistake that last comment for pity-seeking, this is the truth, I’m not a pity-seeker….
I just feel so worthless it’s….
I don’t think you are weak. I think you’ve been through a lot, more than I had when I was your age, and surviving that makes you strong. From experience, I can say that when other people thought I was strongest was when I myself thought I was at my worst and weakest.
Being who you want to be takes time! You can work at changing the parts of yourself that you don’t like, but as far as I can tell you are seriously underestimating how great you are.
Please, if you can, take some time to do things you like — go exploring in your backyard, maybe you’ll find a moth you can save. Even if you don’t, just going to jump and play in a pile of leaves is a good way to reduce stress. Read a book — there’s nothing wrong with reading as escapism, especially if you enjoy it.
(PS: I’m a girl and I think girls can do just as much as anybody else.)
First off, some facts about life:
1. There is nobody on this planet who truly thinks they look beautiful. If there is, it has more to do with their attitudes than their appearence. I know lots of very pretty people who consider themselves to be ugly as sin.
2. Whoever told you that girls can’t do anything should be condemned to wash an ever-increasing pile of the blackest dishes on the planet forever. This is absolutely untrue. Seriously, try telling that to, oh, J.K. Rowling, Eleanor Rosevelt, Marie Curie, and those are just the ones I thought of straight off. You define who you are, not some genderist cakehole that tells you what you can’t do.
Now. You have a goal. You have a person you want to be. Keep that picture of yourself in mind, and start thinking of ways to work towards it. It’s entirely possible for you to reach every one of those goals, I truly believe it. I can give you some suggestions, and I know you can take it from there.
For strength: You can do a crunch, right? Do a second. Do as many as you can without taking a break, then write that number down and try to beat it tomorrow. Or do a bit of Google research, find some weight excersises, and do them with cans of soup. Take a walk around the block, and try to decrease your time every day until you can run the whole way. You might not feel like you’re making much progress, but small steps take you a long way.
For nature skills: Is there any way you could keep a flower garden, or maybe just herbs in a window box? You probably also have walking trails through forest near your house, you might see if you can spend time at one of those, maybe even volunteer there.
For knowledge: Only one solution to this. Learn! Surf Wikipedia, check out library books, find subjects that interest you.
For intelligence: I’m confused when you talk about not being smart. I’ve been reading your posts for some time, and I’ve never noticed anything of the sort. Still, there are all sorts of crosswords and sudoku and other puzzles which are supposed to improve mental capacity.
For wittiness: I have less advice on this front. I will say, though, that you might be funnier than you think you are. It’s often hard to make people older than you laugh, even when you’re considered hilarious by your peers. Just keep trying, and again, see if you can find advice online or books from the library.
I have faith in you. Even if you try these things, and don’t see improvement straight off, I know you can become who you want to be eventually. I’ve already watched you become a more mature, balanced person than you were when you first came, and I know you can keep growing.
Even if life seems hard right now, it will improve. Someday, you won’t be so cooped up and you’ll be able to do whatever you like. Until then, see if you can join a youth group, or a choir, or maybe Girl Scouts. I bet there’s some group of people your age that your parents would approve of your joining, and then you can be part of a team.
Keep holding on to those books and that imagination, and keep hoping for improvement. Even the darkest of storms does pass. I know you can be stronger than these trials.
And, by the way, a frivolous list of things you could start accomplishing right now:
Blanket forts! A great thing to accomplish, and not that hard. Plus, then you have a blanket fort, and that has to something slightly better.
National Novel Writing Month! I was your age when I first did it, and to this day it’s one of my proudest accomplishments. Come on over to the NaNoWriMo thread, and we can explain everything! (Alternately, just keep writing. That’s also a worthwhile thing to do.)
Memorizing poetry! Or a part of a story you like. If you can find a copy of them, I recommend Rudyard Kipplings If, or maybe Emily Dickenson’s I dwell in possibility. As for stories, just chose your favorite. I know Luna could once recite most of the first chapter of Harry Potter.
Music! Even if you don’t have instruments around, try singing. Don’t worry about whether you sound good, just practice.
Volunteer online! There are lots of websites that rely on laypeople. For example, Project Gutenberg recruits people to proofread the books they put up.
Make cookies! You said you do a lot of cooking already, so maybe this one won’t be exciting to you, but you could still maybe make cookies for donation to the fire station, or a local nursing home, or someone else who might want them.
“High Flight” is fun to memorize and recite, and “Invictus” is good when you need to grit your teeth and power through something.
William Ernest Henley? That’s a great poem.
“I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.”
Yes, yes it is.
I keep intending to memorize Invictus, but I don’t remember hearing about “High Flight”. I’ll have to look into this.
“Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of Earth
And danced the skies on laughter-silvered wings…”
Ah, so I do know at least one line of it. I shall have to put this on my list, definitely.
Hmm, I think it’s worth addressing your points one by one:
“I am the weakest person I know.” – there are many different types of strength. There’s physical strength, which is something you develop by exercising. There’s mental strength and there’s emotional strength, and those tend to develop naturally as you go through life, but you can practice being the person you want to be with those too. And having the courage to be vulnerable is its own kind of strength: sometimes showing emotion, or being uncertain, or being scared isn’t weak, it’s being honest. And everyone else probably feels the same way inside too.
“I am really really stupid.” – intellect is something you develop. Read a lot. Think about things a lot. Talk to interesting people. The stupidest people are the ones who don’t realize it, who don’t actively seek to expand their minds.
“All my jokes are horrible.” – horrible jokes are an artform in themselves. The trick is to commit to delivering them, even as you know they’re awful. You’ll amuse yourself, even if no one else gets it.
“I am cooped up inside all the time because I’m busy with homeschool and kitchen.” – Being busy is something that is only going to get worse. Look for ways to get outside, to take time for yourself. Can you do some of your schoolwork outside?
“And, I am a girl and girls can’t do shtik.” Bullshtik. The only thing you may not be capable of doing is having male anatomy, and if that’s so important to you, there’s prosthetics. Women have fought in wars. Women have won Nobel Prizes. Women have worked every job under the sun. Women have climbed Mount Everest. A woman with an amputated leg has climbed Mount Everest. You probably won’t be able to play in the NFL, but neither will most guys.
“I am so boring.” – Find something you’re interested in and get passionate about it.
“My life needs exitement which will probably never come.” – it probably will. I suggest taking up model rocketry, that’s always exciting. Or you can light steel wool on fire with a 9V battery.
“I have never gone anywhere alone without an adult yet.” At your age, neither had I. But if you want to go somewhere without an adult, work out a plan with your parents to do it.
” I’m surprised that the few friends I have left haven’t given up on me yet.” Clearly they have a different idea of you than you do. I respectfully submit that their opinion might be less biased than yours.
tl;dr: don’t worry, you’re doing fine. Find things that you want to do and do them, you’ll feel better.
oops I missed your ugly comment: Beauty is very very subjunctive, and honestly means very little. When I try to think of the most beautiful person I know, what comes to mind is my friend who is not conventionally attractive, but is such a cheerful, warm, comfortable person that it makes you feel good to be around her.
You remind me of me.
So here’s this: You can’t ever see yourself exactly as you are. No-one can see themselves as they really are. We’re all looking at ourselves through cracked, warped, dirty mirrors. Not to say that others can see us totally as we are either. Most people have warped lenses through which they see us as being greater or lesser than we really are, looking up on others as idols or dismissing them as animals, or at least leaning towards one of the two.
So whether criticism is coming from yourself or from others, never 100% think it’s true.
Hi, Ducky, good to have you back.
I’d like to point out that everything you said should also be applied to yourself. For examply, try thinking about it the next time you’re wondering how anybody could possibly like you.
I’ve been trying to do that lately. It’s been taking a while, but my self-esteem issues are definitely improving, though I have times when I suddenly go back to my “blargh I am terrible why would anyone want anything to do with me” ways. When that happens, it’s usually pretty out-of-nowhere; one moment I can be pretty optimistic and then I remind myself of something and the doubt takes over >.<
And it's good to be back! (I don't have a good excuse for being gone, honestly.)
Yeah, I can totally relate, and I didn’t really mean to imply you weren’t doing fine with that, I just wanted to point out the irony between this post and the one you made over one the R&R thread minutes before.
I can relate to the ‘not having an excuse for being gone’, too. It’s sort of annoying, how often I drift away even though I really like this place and want to stick around.
Yeah, I realize that there was some irony there… Thing is, “I don’t have a chance with this girl” is a huge improvement over “maybe I should be dead.”
This is completely true. We studied this phenomenon in high school psychology.
They started tearing up the divider on the highway outside my window in the middle of the night with steam shovels and dump trucks and I hardly got any sleep, it was so noisy.
Rambling plaint ahoy!
The week my dad went into hospital, I missed or got exempted from 3 tests. I was given a 1-week extension on my physics assignment, due almost 2 weeks later, aka tomorrow. I was also told that I could not do my exams, then that I could do them and if my scores weren’t up to my usual standard I could get an estimate (meaning they do stuff with your Z scores from other assessment in that class this semester, possibly from similar tasks over the last 2 years).
Well, I did my prac report and with some revision it should be up to my usual standard. The research article? I’ve done some research but nowhere near broad enough, and we have to include actual statistics, images, multiple viewpoints, etc. Then make it readable and format it. A good all-nighter-er could maybe produce a C-level assignment from where I am, but I have an in-class essay (on Evangelion, an AWESOME GIANT ROBOT MOVIE) tomorrow and I want to at least do that right. So I’m not going to get it done.
I feel disappointed. I already got an extension, then I continued to procrastinate. I’m not sure how much blame I deserve and how much whatever’s causing… It’s so hard to concentrate or work up the will to do work. I felt like this in the winter holidays, and it sort of passed (other issues didn’t), but here we are again.
In the last term of year 11 I did an insanely long physics prac report and did the article in a weekend plus Monday. (Okay, so explaining how holograms work and what they’re used for is probably a simpler task than weighing up the evidence for and against Australia using nuclear power or other viable energy sources. And my biology introduction, due on the same day, was done in less than an hour and sucked accordingly and I got a B for the assignment and the course. (But it’s not counting to my ATAR and I don’t regret doing the course.)) Then something like burnout hit and I never emotionally recovered.
That was before I knew my mum was sick. Right now… it’s a long story, but basically she wanted to go on an international trip, we saw her off, haven’t heard since, prognosis wasn’t good, this was reported when my dad was in hospital, now a missing-person case, and they need to make sure my dad didn’t do anything to her. Also not fun.
Returning from digression, I’m a little embarrassed about not having realised I couldn’t do it and going to whoever last week, it will be embarrassing telling my teacher and/or Mrs D and/or the (really nice) teachers in charge of course scores and suchlike. You can’t really advise me on what to do, but given that exams start next week, and I can’t do anything good in a week of free periods and afternoons and also study, the best option seems to be getting an exemption (my term, not an official one). I got off those tests, they didn’t say I had to do even my exams, so there’s not a strong case for my handing something in because I’m required to.
Crying and suchlike would just feel fake and I only tend to cry if I regret unchangeable things (or I think that’s the pattern), and I’ve no people-skilled Malfoy, but I convinced myself what to do, right?
I feel a little bad at leaving the research for my chemistry assignment/test, one of my exempt tests, incomplete, even though in was the best option. Similar for the 2 maths tests. I guess that’s life– You attempt to optimise; you don’t have black-and-white options to chose from.
Less than 4 months until uni starts. I’ve been counting down in my loneliness and frustration, but now there’s a twinge of worry I’ll still be messed up when I’m supposed to start the awesome next chapter of my life. Well, it’s not as big as the worry that I’ll get a less-than-perfect ATAR and not enough scholarship money to leave my hometown’s area.
I should probably go to bed, see the bit about a test tomorrow, so I hope what I typed makes sense. Maths Lover out.
*huggles* Just hang on. It’s already more than impressive that you’re keeping it together so well under your circumstances. Anything more you manage is just an added bonus.
*hugs back* Here, have another longish post!
I told Mr P on Monday that I hadn’t been able to do the article, said something about being disorganised (my subject teachers were told very little specific and to give me consideration), and that I needed to study for exams as well. He was understanding. He offered to let me drop the prac report too, but since it basically just needed editing we agreed on Tuesday. I was somewhat worried about someone like Mrs H not being okay with it, but nothing’s happened. He’d started marking them, and told me yesterday that it was very good (as were at least 2 of my 5 classmates’, but hey, that’s expected, I beat them thoroughly on tests, so good for them) as in at least 98%.
I didn’t reread or do much of a conclusion or introduction for my English essay, but if I get a C it’s not that big a deal, if I actually failed they’ll estimate it, if I got an A or B, excellent! It’s a relief having assignments done… now to study for exams!
My dad got home last Thursday, and was pretty much his normal self. His new medication has been giving him really unpleasant side-effects but they should figure out what went wrong? My sister and everyone have gone home. He also fixed our internet— the modem stopped being able to connect to the internet or something like that, so he bought a new one, hence my being online late at night.
My little kitty died today.
RIP little Phantom…
My sympathies, Catwings.
Friendly reminder that saying Virgin Galactic flights “don’t count as real spaceflight” because they’re suborbital means discounting Freedom 7, Liberty Bell 7, and all X-15 flights as “real spaceflights” and considering John Glenn the first American in space.
Now my little black hamster died! Every little black-furred thing I love dies!
I’m sorry, Catwings.
Aw, that’s rough. I’m sorry.
Being sent a technical study to prepare for an audition in three weeks’ time and discovering it is in six flats.
This will be interesting..!
Keep in mind that as violinists we tend to play sharp, and this is exacerbated in flat keys – especially ones without open strings to keep us on track.
I figured out what it is, it’s No. 13 from Rode’s 24 Caprices. I went through it today and it’s actually not that hard – much easier than it would first appear!
Ah, yeah. Looking at my music it looks like I did that freshman or sophomore year of high school (probably for all-state auditions, judging time based on which teacher’s handwriting is in there). Most of what I have marked is to play things lower and vibrate the first notes of figures. I like Rode caprices, they’ve got nice melodies. Much nicer than Dont.
I agree, it has nice melodies. I’ve never done any Dont but I have done Kreutzer. I’m generally not a huge fan of études, though I probably need them to improve technique and such.
For this one the notes and everything are fine; what I need to work on most is probably the bowing: in many cases there’s one slur over the whole bar, and keeping a sustained sound while doing string crossings and whatever else without running out of bow is tricky. Definitely good for my bowing arm, though.
Agh I’m stressed right now
because a couple weeks ago my parents rescinded on their threat to pull me out of theatre if my grades didn’t go up and said that they wouldn’t ever do anything like that again and so I promised them that I’d keep my grades up anyway to make that decision worthwhile
and now I failed my first test in the entirety of high school. Failed. And I was able to retake it but I still only got a B and the old grade is still in there so my Physics grade just dropped from a 92 to an 80
and I’m about two weeks behind on my Spanish and my parents don’t know that and we’re traveling over Thanksgiving so I’m pretty sure I won’t have time to make that up
and I feel like a failure right now and I don’t even think having a relationship would help because it would just be extra stress
and on that note relationships? Ha. I don’t even know where to start with that because my last one ended a year ago and it was so, so bad and my last attempt ended in the summer and it was so, so bad
so basically everything sucks even though not everything sucks.
I’ve just been rejected from one of the music schools. I’m not too upset, I didn’t think my audition two days ago had gone very well anyway, my focus was all over the place. Hopefully I’ll be better prepared for the next three, in two to three weeks’ time. It’s a bit disheartening, rejection always is, but it wasn’t my first choice; I have three more chances and a lot I can learn from this first audition experience.
In the past three days I’ve eaten
-1 “haute pocket”
-1 package of ramen
-3 tortilla chips
-1 bowl of split pea soup
Given that’s about a generous half of a normal day’s intake, I think we may have a plausible reason for my extra shaky hands, and inability to stand up for more than a few minutes without my vision going blurry at the edges or feeling like I’m going to faint or vomit.
I’ve been sick since Wednesday, missed all my classes and work, fortunately got an extension on a paper that was originally due today, but I still don’t know how I’m going to manage it if I don’t start improving soon, and then last night my period started so on top of general sickness yuck I have fairly severe back/abdominal pain, and even more nausea and general aches.
I’d been doing pretty well this semester, I had no absences in any of my classes, and despite low-level sniffles and coughs I’ve been about as generally healthy as I ever get at school.
So much for that!
I need to catch up on my work but all I want to do is sleep until Thanksgiving.
And while we’re at it, I’d really appreciate it if the internet here would stay functional for more than 3 continuous minutes. It really puts a damper on things when you’re trying to get things done and you have to constantly reset the connection and then hope your order or email or what-have-you didn’t go through multiple times.
*strength and wellness vibes*
Feel better soon.
I waited three #%@$! days for Youtube to tell me that my video is longer than fifteen minutes?!!
Oh dear–do you still have the video?
It’s odd; I know I’ve seen YouTube videos longer than that.
Oh, were you trying to upload a video? Uploading videos is a pain: it takes up so much time and bandwidth.
You have to get through some mumbo-jumbo to make that happen, but afterwards it should work. Squid, though: three days is a looooong time.
I have three exams and a major presentation in front of the dean in the next two and a half weeks. Which would sound like I’m stressed, or in denial, but actually I just feel completely and totally apathetic. I don’t know why, or how to make it go away. I just want to curl up in bed and sleep for a year even though I’m not really tired. It’s not that I feel depressed, I just don’t care at all about anything. Studying seems like a vaguely bad thing, and I’ve sat down a few times to try but my mind just shuts off and can’t batten down to think of anything and just drifts instead. This just sort of happened starting on Thursday and I don’t know how to snap out of it. It’s starting to scare me in a calm, apathetic way because I will fail these tests if I don’t study and yet typing that sentence didn’t even bother me. Nothing happened to do this to me, I’ve slept enough, I ate well enough, I talked to family/friends… I don’t know. I don’t care. I can’t care. But it’s freaking me out.
My professor gave me an extension on this paper, because I was sick. It was originally due Friday, now it’s due Monday, which means I need to write it tomorrow and I still feel awful. I was going to try to do some earlier but I fell asleep, and I just feel so unable to think. It’s 7-10 pages, and this is going to sound totally pitiful, but that’s the longest paper I’ve ever been assigned and I feel completely inept.
I’m trying to convince myself that I can do it because of that one time during high school when I was supposed to write a 5 page thing and I did, but I didn’t know that it was supposed to be double-spaced, so I essentially wrote 10.
Warning: I’m more interested in typing until I feel less awful than making coherent edits, so have a fruit mince pie or your treat of choice if you actually read all this.
Petty rant, still somehow long: J, who I haven’t seen in 5 months and haven’t been in contact with because I guess I’m not a high school friend any of them want to hold on to that much? posted on [you-know-where] that she was going to see Catching Fire with E “tomorrow” and was inviting the rest of us. I thought it had been posted today. Nope. Yesterday. Why yes, I did notice that when someone else pointed it out to me after I said I’d come. $%@^. Not that I can’t just go by myself if I want to see it
Because that’s how I watch everything, like the L Word and Korra and now Star Trek oh wait I stopped after I got out of order and couldn’t be bothered…., but I had my hopes up about seeing J and asking them advice on something (region-specific, sadly), and now I feel stupid. I’m so far above them have a good enough reputation that I can afford to do something stupid, and anyway they’re my caking friends, but ugh. I was mad enough that I found myself hoping they’d had an awful time.
Not petty, but possibly annoyingly-privileged-sounding-but-I-don’t-care-I-need-to-complain rant: If I don’t get enough scholarship money from my prospective residential college (as an Australian citizen, I can defer the entirety of my tuition fees until my income reaches a certain threshold, so I don’t care about that) I won’t be able to go to U of Melbourne. My Plan B is to go to, erm, the one I can commute to, which is just as good on paper. (Going to private school isn’t generally horrendously expensive in Australia, so I’m talking about 4 times as much as what my dad is paying now.)
I want to leave so badly. It’s not enough to go somewhere prestigious, I caking need the college experience — living away from home, instant community, being able to do whatever whenever without commuting, see other places — I don’t even really know, just anywhere but here.
I was talking to my dad about how my older sister got an awesome scholarship and also lived at home. She had friends and boyfriends and stuff… and would go on to start a PhD, lose interest probably due to depression, and is now a stay-at-home mum. On the other hand, she studied science because she didn’t know what to do and my mum was thinking about job prospects, while I have actual ambitions and can’t imagine attaining happiness any other way. But it is scary.
(Each large state has its own university admissions body. You apply, put down course preferences, and in each offer round you get the offer from wherever you’ve ranked highest. With UAC, you can change your preferences between rounds, so you can theoretically accrue multiple offers. In practice, most offers are made in the Main Round and after that some courses are full. Residential college offers are mostly released after that.) I wanted to put [other prestigious NSW university] as my first UAC preference but the same concerns apply, and not going to university at all next year would be far, far worse. Almost unthinkable. So I’ve just changed it, because the expected outcome of an almost certain meh is better than taking a similar risk.
And there’s still stuff to do. More applications, more formal preparation (I’m not sure how good I’ll even be able to look after gaining a double-digit number of kilos in five months, but I’m still not legitimately ugly, our group includes the fattest girl in our grade, the boys are mostly bozos, and who cares about a bunch of mediocre (except for my rivals and the ones who do well in non-science subjects and I guess my friends and a few other groups) skinny straight girls (not all pretty) who don’t control my admission into anything? Right? Oh, of course I care, I was sad at the farewell assembly but now I’m just bitter.), get a job, get professional help for everything wrong with me…
I just want to relax into a non-soul-crushing routine. Well, when I don’t want to stab a bunch of bad guys after making them beg for mercy. But there’s no longer any sentient being responsible for the things that are wrong in my life. There’s no one to blame.
Breathe. You can get through this, and even though I don’t know much about admissions where you live, they won’t be judging your application based on your appearance.
It’s 5 and I still only have only one short paragraph and I am so far from even having an idea of how this is even going to hang together and I still need to get notes from the classes I missed and come up with a mockup for letterpress tomorrow.
I just can’t.
Sometimes I feel like I might as well just drop out of school because I’m a massive failure and it’s just wasting my parent’s money.
im going anon for this because i cant sta n d it
im regressing back to freshman year . i h ad no friends and i was so ANGRY and i lost control of my own actions and i almost convinced myself that i had mpd because i didnt want to take responsibility for my actions. im so tired. im so tired. im so tired
i just want someone who loves me. i don’t care. im too cowardly to confess to this chick who i think im in love with. my parents have given up. im never going to be anything. im never going to amount tn anything. im so tired.
We love you and care about you, and we know that you aren’t nothing. You’re a Muser, which means you’re someone very special.
Come on, you’re not useless! just be glad you’re not as worthless as me! Believe me, nobody loves me. But we love you!
SFTDP: That should be a reply to oxlin’s post. You’re most definitely not worthless, catwings.
I can’t tell you how much you mean to me personally, because you ask for privacy. Very well. Just please, please know that whoever you are, I could tell you how important you are to me personally.
You are a wonderful, unique person who may be going through a rough time, but it will not be forever. You can make something of yourself. Maybe not today, maybe today all you can do is put one foot in front of the other, but someday there will be more than this.
You mean the world to someone–did you know that? It’s true. You give someone a reason to live. You are incredibly special to them, absolutely irreplaceable. Not because of what you do, or what your personality is, or how you treat them, or what decisions you make. You’re special to them simply because you live your life and you are who you are. You don’t realize how important you are to them. They may not even realize it themselves–most people aren’t lucky enough to have that kind of awareness. With the population skyrocketing, communication networks overflowing, science telling us how small and how predetermined we are, with war and famine and disease clouding everything, it’s easy to forget how important we are. Not “great”, not “groundbreaking”, not “historic”–those qualities appear as they will. But each person is important in ways they don’t even think of imagining. Everyone always says, “I just want to make a DIFFERENCE!” but they never stop and think about what a huge difference they’ve already made in the lives of the people they know. If someone wants to be a great scientist or artist or humanitarian or whatever, that’s a fine goal, but making a difference is something much more personal than that.
Without even knowing who you are, I can tell you that you’ve made a difference in my life. Just by writing this post–a post that maybe you regretted as soon as you clicked “Comment”–you’ve changed my life. You’ve made me think about new things, shifted my perspective on the world, expanded my field of view. If you hadn’t written this I would never have formulated the thoughts that I did. I wouldn’t have learned what I did. And I can tell that my mind is still churning and that this is going to keep affecting me. For that I want to thank you, and I’m going to pray for you as well.
I love you! *hugs*
I’m sorry you feel the way you do. I’m sorry things aren’t working out the way you wish they were, or the way you feel they should. Unfortunately, life is like that- sometimes you get ahead, and sometimes you fall back a little. I’m sorry if it sounds like I’m trivializing your problem- I don’t mean to.
You’ve come a long way since freshman year. You’ve matured, you’ve progressed and you’ve learned things about yourself and the world and others. Most importantly, I hope you recognized something I think you might’ve forgotten: that you can get through whatever life throws at you.
Just think about it before you disagree with me. You were in a horrible place and you got better. I realize you’re terrified of going back, but that implies there was a time in between that wasn’t so bleak. Things got better, and they will again. Maybe you’ll argue that it wasn’t all your doing- bla helped you, bla circumstances- but that is your current state of mind talking. I don’t doubt you’re blaming yourself for all your failures: don’t forget to take credit for your successes as well. Your past is something you’ve overcome and you can be proud of that.
I believe that lots of people love you. The ‘blog, obviously, but perhaps some friends/relatives/misc. humanoids “IRL” as well. You probably can’t see them right now, or you won’t allow yourself to, but you can trust me that they are there.
The idea of rejection is even more terrifying when you don’t feel good about yourself. Perhaps sometime, more or less subconsciously, you made the decision not to approach this girl for fear of getting hurt. That isn’t cowardly- it’s self-preservation. You’re tired, you’re hurt, you feel horrible: of course you don’t want rejection on top of that. Aside from that, I’m not really sure love is something you can confess. It’s a beautiful announcement that we try to make all casual and cool because strong emotions are confusing and we- by that I mean pretty much everyone- aren’t very good at them. We spend so much time dancing around trying not to hurt anyone that it becomes inevitable.
Maybe you just need time. I think you can approach this girl. I think you can chat with her, maybe ask her out for coffee sometime, and see how things go. I can’t promise she has feelings for you, or that it won’t be terrifying or perhaps awkward at first. But right now, you’re hurting, and you need the time to fix yourself. It’s okay to wait for the right time, and that time hasn’t come yet.
You said your parents have given up on you. I would congratulate you for that but I think you’d take it the wrong way. We like to think parents are somehow special, that having a child results in some kind of magic upgrade to semi-demigod, from Lord of the Diapers to Understander of Children to Supreme Tormentor of Teenagers (your experience may vary). Then at some point, the mask comes off and we realize that they’re just human, as flawed as the rest of us, with their own weaknesses and expectations and moods and limits. They have their dreams of how life should go and unfortunately kids get tied into them and saddled with expectations. But you can’t exactly order a future “xy” with “ck” interests and “zw” opinions. At some point, parents are confronted with the fact that their adorable bundles of joy are people, and quite different people than they thought they might be. This generally is a shocker. The bottom line is- well, actually that it isn’t really any of their business. You are who you are, you’re becoming who you’re becoming and while your parents have the choice to be a defining factor helping you on your way, they’ll never be the defining factor. Of course, it’s nicer of they support you, but you don’t need them to be who you are.
You already are “something”. More specifically, someone, and a person that I care very much about. If you’ll “amount to” something depends, both in the mathematical and social sense, on what kind of (impossible) standard and values you’re holding yourself to. Do people have to go to college to “amount to something”? Is graduating high school enough? How much money to you have to make? What if you decide you don’t want to have impossibly photogenic children that play in slow-motion? I realize that most societies and cultures have certain pre-made answers to these questions, but I think it’s better if you sit down with a cup of tea on a rainy day and think about them yourself.
The one thing I think you don’t have right now is a calm state of mind. I know- if the problem was simple, you’d fix it, but you can’t right now. Go to bed. Sleep eight hours, get up, eat something healthy and get out. I don’t know all of your problems right now, but I bet there are some you can’t just fix. That’s okay. It’s alright to have moments-days, weeks- of relative weakness. All you can do to get out is take care of yourself. Take care of your body (food, water, rest) and try to treat yourself like you’d treat a friend in your exact same situation. I know it’s hard, but if you can hang on, I promise things will start getting better on their own. I- and the rest of MB- will accept you even when you falter and fall. We love you regardless of wether you succeed or not, and won’t penalize your for being human. Have some tea for me- mint or chamomile. I promise it’ll be okay.
((tl; dr *hugs* Sorry for the length. This is what I’d say if you came over; we’d sit on the couch, I’d make you tea and cookies, hug you and we could talk. (okay, I’d buy the cookies because I don’t want to subject you to even more misery, but you get the idea). I hope you’ll feel at least a little better soon.))
I care about you. You’re a Muser so you must be pretty awesome. I’d have something unique to say about you, whoever you are. I hear you on being tired, and that sucks and I don’t know what the cake I’m doing either. But I think things will get better for you – they have before, right?
I have the sniffles and way too much work to do.